Stupid things happened to me again, as usual. But like always, I tend to enjoy these things and share them with the rest of the world (and by rest of the world, I meant the two of you, my faithful readers) rather than to keep them hidden in order to make people think that I”m an intelligent and graceful woman, which I”m not (intelligent and graceful I mean, as far as I can remember I really am a woman).

So, I got up this morning and felt lighter than usual. I know it might be my head playing tricks on me again, but I decided to weigh myself (after like a month of proclaiming that the bathroom scale is my sworn enemy, the Voldemort to my Harry Potter).

As you might already know, I”ve gained a massive amount of weight these past two years. I”ve been stressed out about it, and even depressed because of it, but the past couple of months I”ve decided to be realistic because I have finally given in to the idea that life is like a junkie pimp. It sometimes gives you bad clients who beat you and don”t pay up, but you can”t complain cos at least you still have license to work that street corner where most of the normal looking johns look for their hoes. Now I choose to not pay attention to my extra weight anymore, and anybody who has a problem with it can go screw another ho at a lesser street corner *looks at Mr. Husband while shouting “Boo-Yah!”*

So I went into my bathroom and slid out the scale from under the sink. It’’s gotten dusty. On top of it was a bucket filled with numerous bottles of cleaning products. Seemed like the bucket’’s been on the scale the past month, as usual Mr. Husband must”ve forgotten to put it back in the storage room, typical. I put the bucket somewhere else, took off my clothes and stepped on the scale.

“YIPPIE!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed in my head loudly as the needle pointed to a cool 180 lbs (because that would mean that I”ve lost some serious weight). Then as I was still on the scale I bent down to take the bucket with the cleaning products in it (which easily weighs over 10 lbs) and saw that the needle didn”t budge, at all. It still pointed to that magic number, 180.

Darn it. I did not lose any weight, the bloody scale was broken and was stuck. It will go lower, but it won”t go higher than 180.

Was going to go out and buy me a new scale but then I thought to myself that I needed to treat myself to a present, however ”creative” the present may be (and by creative I mean something I can tell myself over and over again to make myself feel better which doesn”t need to be the truth cos truth hurts and anybody who says otherwise is a huge idiot), so I decided to hold off buying the new scale and keep my old and ”friendly” one at bay. Who needs a shrink when self-deception works just as well? (and at times even better!)

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When we were in Rome early this month, we were so tired from all the walking around that when we slept, we slept a sleep so deep that we had the strangest dreams. I won”t go into the details of how kinky some of our dreams were, but on the last night we were there, I dreamed that I won the lottery, and I actually remember ALL the winning numbers! I woke up at around 4 am, saved the winning numbers in my phone and went back to sleep. We woke up that morning at 7.30 am, and I vaguely remembered getting up and saving some numbers in my phone but I didn”t know whether it was real or if it was another dream.

Still sleepy, I reached for my phone and checked it. Sure enough the numbers were all there!!

Once we were back in Brussels, I immediately bought lottery tickets using those ”lucky” numbers. I”ve had a period in my life that all I did was listen to motivational speakers, all kinds of ”em. All of them, Anthony Robbins included, said that in order to be successful/rich/thin/God/you name it, you must think that you have already achieved all that and it will come true.

So that’’s what I did. I thought long and hard, said the mantra and managed to really BELIEVE that I had the looks of Angelina Jolie, the body of Giselle Bundchen and in possession of the winning lottery numbers (in which the prize was Euro 100 million).

Came Friday, the day the numbers were drawn, I sat confidently in front of the TV while the glass ball filled with the lottery numbers were spinned. One by one the numbers were revealed.

And no, I didn”t win. Plus I still looked like the Rima Fauzi you all know and love.

Those motivational speakers don”t know an ass from a head and if I ever come across any of them, I”m gonna kick their asses to kingdom come. (Believe you”re already rich my ass. Pfffftt!!)

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Finally, as I was surfing the net tonight (which is code for googling myself), I found something that made me feel good once again. It was more proof that I am awesome.

Apparently I”m so awesome that a random blogger put me on a list in their blog! This is someone I don”t know (therefore I did not coerce that person to link me or mention me in their blog), who isn”t a friend, and who isn”t even Indonesian. How cool is that?

I know this ”achievement” might be perceived by some as pathetic and un-awesome, but they are nothing but pessimistic nay-sayers. Much like the Jewish people who thought that Jesus was a nobody carpenter while in fact he was the son of God. HA! Who’’s pathetic now? *elevating myself and my awesomeness to the level of Jesus. Well, maybe slightly below him as I am a bit on the heavy side*

This blog that is obviously owned by a really intelligent human being to have been able to appreciate and recognize my awesomeness is called Schmutzie.

Schmutzie, I now declare that you are also (partly) made of awesome. And that’’s just for mentioning me in your blog! Just imagine what I will declare you as if you had my picture as a banner in your blog! I might declare you my chief minion!

There you go, my awesome post for the day! (non-believers need not read this blog)