*Disclaimer: This piece is not for the faint hearted, boys or girls. It’s intended only for those with a very sophisticated sense of humor and those who can read between the lines and who are able to laugh at themselves.

So I guess we are all familiar with the coined phrase: “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”, yes? (Gay men have dual citizenships to both planets, btw) And I suppose although you know that this is true and you might feel like you have acknowledged this and played it cool, your male partners still have the nerve to say that you constantly nag them about the littlest of things, while you KNOW you are not guilty of the said crime, correct? (At about now, you probably think: “So what if I nag a little? He is so insensitive sometimes that it’s a crime NOT to say anything about it. Besides, he deserves my nagging, and it’s not like I do it ALL THE TIME!”)

Well my beautiful Venusian friends, let me let you in on a little secret. You do nag, and you do so ALL THE TIME. Don’t feel bad or anything, it’s in our system. When we were born, those who have a penis and who are destined to want to stick their penises in vaginas have 7 switches in their heads turned on, namely: FOOD , SEX, NAKED GIRLS/BOOBIES, TV, SPORTS, VIDEO GAMES, CARS/MACHINES.

Those of us who are lucky enough NOT to have a penis when we were born (or those of us who have penises but do not want to get them anywhere near a vagina) get much more switches turned on. Among them are: FEELINGS, LOVE, CUDDLING, SHOPPING, WINDOW SHOPPING, E-SHOPPING, FASHION, JEALOUSY, CUTE BAGS/SKIRT/TOP/SHOES, MANIPULATION, JEWELRY, EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, ABILITY TO DRIVE A MALE BY HIS ORGAN, EVENT ORGANIZING, MULTI TASKING, ABILITY TO MIX AND MATCH COLORS, EXPERTLY SHEDDING TEARS AT WILL, FAST TALKING, FURIOUS TALKING, FURIOUS TALKING THAT MAY SEEM LIKE WE ARE NOT FURIOUS, CONTEMPLATE EVIL PLANS WITHOUT A FLAW, ABILITY TO INVERT A PENIS WITH LESS THAN 10 WORDS WHEN WE ARE PISSED OFF AT OUR MEN,  NAG, NAG, NAG and more NAGGING.

Girls, do you want to know the secret of a beautiful and long relationship without you having to nag all the time and your guy ignoring you or being a total jerk-face?

To quote my favorite comedian Russel Peters: “BE A MAN!” (and to quote myself: “Quit being a needy psycho bitch, beyotch!”)

We need to learn to be more of a Martian and less of a Venusian in order to win the war. Plus girls, we need to choose our battles. Yes, you heard me, choose our battles wisely. You don’t understand what I mean? Ok, let me lay this one out for you.

1. You hate that he leaves his dirty laundry on the floor of your bedroom, and then you nag.

2. You hate that he doesn’t put the toilet seat back down, and then you nag.

3. You hate that he spends more time with his buddies/watching sports/in the garage, and then you nag.

4. You hate he leaves a trail of food from the kitchen to the living room and even to the bedroom, and then you nag.

5. You hate that he forgets birthdays/anniversaries, and then you nag.

6. You hate that he can be the most insensitive asshole, and then you nag.

7. You hate that he never brings you flowers, even on special occasions, and then you nag.

8. You hate that he seldom says “I Love You” and then you nag.

9. You hate that forgets to put stuff back to where they belong which gives you a hard time trying to find everything when you urgently need them, and then you nag.

10. You hate that he can be such a slob, and then you nag.

11. You hate that he can wear socks with holes/old worn out clothes/awful clothes, and then you nag.

12. You hate that he can’t multitask and do SIMPLE things correctly, and then you nag.

13. You hate that he makes a mess in the kitchen and acts like he has a domestic helper (read: you), and then you nag.

14. You hate that all he thinks about is sex, except when there is a football match which is when you are usually feeling frisky and want some, and he totally ignores you. And then you nag.

15. You hate it when he acts like he is the know it all Do it Yourself handyman, when he actually isn’t and goes to ‘fix’ (and by fix I mean wreck) the plumbing to save a few extra bucks, and then you nag.

And that’s just to start with.

While this is what your guy hates:

1. He hates that you nag. (and he probably also hates it when you tell him you have a headache when he wants ‘action’ but he won’t say anything about that out of fear of not getting ANY AT ALL)

Do you see the difference? A man’s mind is simple, it has only 7 ‘on’ switches or compartments, all other things will be classified in sub compartments under the 7 main ones. Men are somewhat intelligent, but of course Women (and gay men) are superior, which is why it is hard for a man to understand and appreciate the intricate and sophisticated design of a woman’s brain because in order to do so, one must have a higher thinking ability. Lesser intelligence can communicate with a man because they are simpler by nature. It’s easier to train a man, the same way you train a pet. Give them treats (food or sex) whenever they do something you want, and give them punishments when they don’t, and it’s home run from then on.

So in order to make them understand that you mean business, you need to choose your battles. Instead of nagging over every single thing he does which do not conform with your standards, you need to choose a few (and by a few I mean less than 5) of the major principal ones.

The less you nag, the higher probability that he will pay attention when you are angry because subconsciously he will think that you two are alike (athough you’re just mimicking him to gain trust), that your rare anger that only surfaces the very few times you are annoyed about whatever (MAJOR) thing he did wrong/not to your liking means you are dead SERIOUS, and he should bloody well listen if he wants to avoid being in the doghouse indefinitely.

Being all hysterical and Glenn Close-y circa ‘Fatal Attraction’ especially threatening him with stuff, or worse with idle suicide threats (we’ve all done this at one point of our lives, btw) when you don’t get your way may work the first few times but it gets tiring after a while and in the end he will think you’re just a drama queen, or worse, a psycho bitch.

Also, go easy on the tears. The more times you shed tears in front of him, the less they will have effect on him. When you can’t hold your tears, let them out, but do not cry like a stupid bimbo. Go the bathroom, turn on the shower and then cry so he doesn’t know. If you come out with swollen eyes and he sees you, let him see you but do not let him know that it’s that big of a deal to you, he will respect you more if you do not appear like a silly cry baby who nags and cries and use emotional blackmail everytime you want something done your way.

Women get insecure, and men too, definitely. But the most annoying thing about a woman when they are insecure is expect their partners to reaffirm their love to them over and over again. One “do you love me?” question is fine. But to keep asking that over and over again is a bit juvenile. Insecurity is a part of life, but the trick is to not let it dominate and ruin your life.

Men have a totally different way of thinking than women. For men, marrying a woman is the ultimate proof of their love to a woman. If they didn’t love their wives that much, they wouldn’t have married them in the first place.  But the most annoying of all for your run of the mill Martian is definitely how women expect them to read their minds and come up with these outlandish expectations of romance, like what they see in Rom-Coms, as proof of their love when they think they have given enough proof to last their women a lifetime

Remember, all those romantic comedies/chick flicks are FAIRY TALES written by scriptwriters in Hollywood, the la la land of express marriages, express divorces and the land of ’sex without feelings doesn’t constitute as cheating’. So it’s obvious these scriptwriters aren’t the most credible people when it comes to relationships. Of course there are Martians who see this as a challenge and will do surprising things to please you, but they are either gay but so oblivious and so deep in the closet that he might as well be in Narnia, or is an expert in being married, which is not necessarily what you want in a man.

Men think their ‘little ladies’ are the epitome of perfection. No matter if you fart in front of him, or hide the fact that you are human and as such, do the no. 2 daily in the toilet. When they love their women, it’s nonjudgmental love, and more often than not they are too blind to see our shortcomings. When they do realize we have shortcomings, they will accept it and love us all the same.

Women, on the other hand (especially ones who think they are perfect), expect their men to be the most perfectest of all. Even those who DON’T think they are perfect like to think their men are, ergo, they put him on a pedestal. Except they forget that when you start to put anything too high up on a pedestal, it’s bound to fall. And when it falls, it will fall so hard that it’ll no doubt be deeply disappointing (and make a lot of noises).

And girls, let’s all accept the fact that us girls do not take disappointment lightly, which is a little dangerous when the disappointment is directed towards our significant others. It can very well destroy a perfectly acceptable marriage by way of seeking greener pastures.

When you and your Martian God get into an argument, be as reasonable (read: as Martian) as you can be. Instead of satisfying your need to scream and shout or cry to melt him or make him feel sorry for you, or endlessly talk about ‘the problem’, sometimes it’s better to give it time. Cool off, sleep on it, and talk about it the morning.

I often experience a problem that appeared gigantic at first become a fraction of that the next morning, even without the amazing angry sex the night before. This is the best way to deal with Martians, sleep on it or give him space and time. Because as I said before, their brains are quite simple, so they need time to absorb things and let things sink in. After some time they will realize that they have made a mistake, and they will feel regret. MUCH regret.

They might not immediately apologize in so many words, but you will see that they will start doing things to SHOW you that they are sorry. They are creatures who like to exhibit their feelings instead of articulating it, and you have to understand, it’s not because they don’t want to, it’s because their articulation muscles were not fully developed, due to the fact that they have only 7 switches turned on in childbirth.

If you insist to scream and shout and cry and nag to your Martian slave, you have to accept the risk of him tuning you out. Imagine a comic strip or a cartoon in which the miserable wife keeps on yapping and after 2 shot seconds the husband hears nothing but, “blablablablablablabla.. beer.. blablablablablablabla…meat…blablablabla..” I’m sure none of you would want to be tuned out, but if you are some kind of a masochist who gets off by being treated like a dumb bitch who don’t matter much, then be my guest, do it your way.

So, now you know more about how the mind of a Martian really works. And hopefully with this new and powerful information, you will be able to conduct life with ease and control your Martian without them knowing that you are controlling them. Remember, give them battle victories, but in doing so, you will win the war. And also, the anagram of  “LOVE AND MARRIAGE” is “DRIVE A MALE ORGAN” and to have a successful marriage full of love, you must master the art of ‘driving’ and you must never be ashamed to ask for directions.

Good luck!

Aunt Agonizing Rima