You smell romance in the air. You are on day 4 of your break-up and are finally over that one-testicled crazy sonofabitch who left you after two months of your precious time invested in a cheap no-good hairy bastard a two month relationship. All just because you used his credit card in a shopping spree with your mother, his ex-future mother-in-law, in the sales because you were being such a good girlfriend and was thinking of ways to save him money yet he had the guts to call you crazy while you were in fact saving him even more money by buying your mother christmas presents now while prices are slashed rather than December when prices are the highest.

You are going out again with your only 2 girlfriends, one of which is as psychotic as you are, the other people tell you is an imaginary friend because apparently only you can see her. You think people are mean to say this in front of her, and even meaner that they act as if she really is invisible. You are convinced the only reason people can hardly see her is because she is so thin as a result of one or four eating disorders.

You are feeling vulnerable but ready to fall in love again. You and your girlfriends are scanning the room for the next poor bastard love candidate but not quite sure of what to do. You scour the internet and you find nothing, no guide to help you, nada, zilch.

Well, fear no more my dears, because Dr. Strangelove aka gay caucasian male in a catsuit a la Freddie Mercury trapped in my body is queer… and here.

Below are the 10 steps I have written for you, from how to find the right guy to ensuring your marriage to him sooner than getting a mortgage loan approval from the bank.

1. Check his fingers for a wedding ring. If you can’t see any, check his friends’ fingers for any wedding rings. If you see none, walk away.
A surefire way to easily win a man’s heart is do so with a married man’s heart. When you are in a bar and spot a man, be sure to chat up a married man. The fact that he is already married proves he is not a commitment freak, plus a married man’s heart, especially one who is married to a pitiful excuse of a woman who looks like Borat’s fugly first wife, is easier to win, thus will give you a self-confidence boost. If you have your eyes set on a married man surrounded by single friends, it’s a no-go. His single friends will influence him into picking a girl who is hotter than you. You are a wolf waiting for a herd of stupid sheeps, therefore, find a herd of married men, preferably who are half-assed drunk. You will conquer them easily.

2. Be Clingy and Possessive. When you have finally found the poor shmuck of the month the man of your dreams, do not let him go easily. Contrary to popular belief, men love their women possessive and clingy. It makes them feel all important and godly. If he tells you not to call and text all the time, especially when he is out with friends or in a work meeting, you should not listen to him. You have to keep texting and calling him to prove how much you love and miss him. Men ALWAYS say no when they mean yes, and his saying, “Bitch, do not contact me anymore, I have put a restraining order against you” is just a way to test your tenacity. In the end, if you show him you are persistent enough, he WILL make you his wife.

3. Do NOT wait to put out. No man likes to wait too long for what he can get easily for $20. Let him know you are ready and available but be imaginative and mysterious while doing so. For example, leave him yellow post-it notes with sexy messages or photos of you in sexy lingerie in his wallet, inside the pockets of his jacket, back pocket of his pants and other places to make him anticipate his time being with you when he finds them. If his wife finds the notes or photos and feels even more inadequate because of your smoking hot photos, that will be nice a bonus for you.

4. Stop talking in “I”s and start using “we”s to let your beau know you are serious. If there is one thing men hate is a woman who is aloof and values herself too highly. Stop being all independent and focusing on yourself too much and instead start acting that you are an extension of him. Dumb down a little to make him feel good a superior and ALWAYS refer to yourself as “the missus” and talk in “we”s all the time. It will boost his self-confidence and make him love you even more.

5. Show him how jealous you can be. You have to be imaginative and play up the drama. Act like you are really jealous when you pick him up from his office and see him talking to a female colleague, then threaten to stalk or harass her. Be EXTRA jealous of his wife. Show him you can’t live without him by threatening to commit suicide or terrorize his wife and children if he ever tries to leave you or sleep with his wife. Trash talk all women, especially his female colleagues. All this pretend jealousy will unconsciously make him love you even more, but you must be patient.

6. Even if you earn more than him, do not let him know about it. Instead, pretend like you are poor and need financial help. Ask for money, clothes, jewelry, an apartment, a car, a new wardrobe and other extravagant things. This will show him how you need him and when he buys you all those stuff, it will leave him feeling like Donald Trump, all rich and important. Do not forget to reward him with sex every time he buys you something over $20.

7. Trash talk ALL your exes, your father and brothers too. To make your new victim boyfriend feel even more important, like he is the only man – the BEST man in your life, you must never say anything good about any other man. This is possible by letting him know that all your exes suck, their penises are as minuscule as their bank accounts, your dad is a mean drunk and that your brothers (if any) are good for nothing incestuous wife beaters.

8. Let him know you are interested to meet his family. Even if he wants to keep his relationship with you a secret, we all know honesty is the best policy. To pave the way to a healthy and honest relationship, go behind his back and visit his parents, siblings and even wife. Do not forget to bring homemade cookies with you to show them you are an invaluable asset if you are to become his second wife.

9. Try to get yourself pregnant with his baby as soon as possible. If he is inclined to have a baby with you, you have to think of other creative ways to make that happen, one of which involves a turkey baster. E-mail me for details on how a turkey baster can help you get pregnant without him knowing about it.

10. Let him know of the good news with careful planning. When you are finally pregnant, careful planning on how and where you tell him the good news is crucial in the whole plan to make him your permanent beau. You can tell him to meet you somewhere romantic, where you will wait for him in a wedding dress, bringing with you 10 positive pregnancy and paternity test results. He will be even more ecstatic if you have your wedding all planned in which you can just hand him the bill to save him from all the fuss and stress of wedding planning.