We are all the same, regardless of the 4Ws: who we are, what we are, where we are from and which group we belong to. We are one and the same. No human has more rights than the next one, all humans are equal in the eyes of the Lord, the Creator, God, Mother Earth or whatever it is you want to call that powerful being that you believe in (or not).

Now if we are all the same in His eyes, especially when we are all His creation, then all the more reason to feel that we are all equals, right?

Apparently not.

I am truly sick of the world today. The world today has made it extra difficult for me to love others regardless of the 4Ws. Everyday I read the news and I find out that the US is plotting to bring down this or that country, the Jews are killing the Palestinians, the Syrians are killing its children, the Arabs are killing/raping/torturing their imported domestic helpers, crazy terrorist here, crazy gunman there, teenage bullies beating a helpless boy, an Afghan women killed for giving birth to girls, a Chinese child ran over by cars and nobody cared enough to help, rapes in Indonesian public transport, corruption, sexual abuse by religious clerics or priests, torture by authorities, etc.

As if that is not bad and sad enough, there are those out there who slander, who spread hate, who campaign for intolerance, who are self-righteous and look down upon others who are not the same, who think that bad things are only bad when it happens to their own but when it happens to others, it’s well deserved and they publicly condone it. The Cikeusik killings is an example.

Sickening.

Yet I still have to love these people, I cannot hate them and I can only pray for them that one day they will change their ways. Difficult, but not impossible.

Then there is the media that’s making things worse too. (extremist) Media who report dishonestly and very selectively, whether CNN, FOX news on an international level, and papers like Republika or Sabili in Indonesia, it just makes me want to explode! They are feeding unjust and unfair information – most of which aren’t verified or are skewed facts – to the people on a daily basis that even the most intelligent will eventually believe it as hard facts. Especially when these intelligent people aren’t just and rational people to begin with and have hardened hearts as a result of years of hatred, justified by their beliefs that teach them to feel and act that way.

Yet I still try to love these people and to not hate them even if they hate me and everything that I represent. Difficult, but not impossible.

As far as beliefs go, I am neutral, I refuse to choose sides as I know that every belief  system has a flaw and every single one of them also has some goodness. I try to take in as much good from each and every one of them possible and forget as much of the bad that I can. So far it has worked wonders because prior to this, I was one of those people who were self righteous and felt that I was always right and that everybody else was wrong. Now I just try to do good the best I can, every single day and spread the love, no matter how hard it is sometimes to love those who are very difficult to love. Again, very difficult, but proven to be doable – with time.

I really don’t care about your political views, your skin color, your sexual preference, where you come from, your gender, your belief or religion or what social and educational strata you belong to, as long as you are a decent and tolerant human being, it’s all that matters to me and you have my utmost respect. What I care is to see the stop of the atrocities of the world, namely how Jews treat Palestinians, how the men (especially in backward countries like Arab/Pakistan/Afghanistan) are treating their women, how the US is forever trying to rule the world and bully countries that won’t conform to its standards, how the minorities are being persecuted in so many countries and how the world is slowly losing love and respect and gaining aversion and indifference.

I am tired of people who think that I am stupid for following my guts, my brain and my heart and how I choose love and GOD as my saviour, not what they believe in. This is actually funny especially when there is no evidence that can support the claim that what they follow is true, when what they preach and show each day is narrow-mindedness, hatred, arrogance, self-righteousness, intolerance and ignorance. But whatever, I have come to accept that these people will not change and I am ok with them hating me or thinking I am wrong or stupid. Everybody is entitled to their opinion, and their opinion don’t really matter to me.

But if you think about it long and hard, how do you suppose I, or anybody else for that matter, can follow a bunch of people who would use just about anything to “prove” that they are correct; including insult, deceit, smear campaign and forcing their beliefs down other people’s throats? Now when this happens, even if the only other option is a bunch of loving, kind and selfless tree-hugging gypsies who chant, wear grass skirts, think that they are protected by fairies of the woods, these odd people will sooner or later be the more attractive group, at least to me.

In closing, I think all human lives are equally valuable. Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Mormons, Baptists, Catholics, Buddhists, you name it, we are all the same. Killings of people committed by the US, by the Arabs, by the Jews, by the Chinese, they are of the same level of atrocity and evil, and I refuse to only speak out and protest when it happens to one group and be silent or even worse, happy, when it happens to another. Why, it’s like watching a burning building and looking at firemen choosing to save some people and leaving others to burn and die although they could have saved them all! That’s just cruel and abhorrent.

No, I will not turn into that person because I choose to love and respect ALL, not just one group. And I hope today at least one person who reads this will change their minds and stop hating others who are different from themselves, I hope they will start accepting instead, because diversity is beautiful and we should all embrace it, not try to force uniformity on (unwilling) people.

The first thing that changed was my perception of God. I used to think God was this really grumpy old guy who just loves to smite people and take his wrath upon us, eerily leering from above, waiting for us to do something wrong and then when you think you are safe, “WHAM!” He smites us to a thousand pieces. When he is feeling lazy, he would send down his angels to make a list of all the things we do wrong then keep it in his grudge cabinet so that when we die he will happily drown us in a pool of boiling hot lava-like liquid for as long as he likes or until he has something better to do or new people to torture.

Now, I strongly feel that if there really is a God (I say “IF” because no one really knows, it’s all down to personal faith) he would most likely be a deity-like entity who is loving, understanding and kind, who emanates eternal peace and is made up of all things good, like sugar and spice. 

People who say things like “That tsunami is a warning/curse from God” or, “The heretics who were murdered were asking for it, if those people didn’t take their lives, God would’ve done the job himself sooner or later” irritate the hell out of me. I know they have a right to their opinions, they do and I am fine with that don’t get me wrong, but they are just irritatingly ignorant. Yet there is nothing I can do to change the way they think as I used to be one of these people and I understand their way of thinking although I surely do not condone it. Nobody changed my way of thinking, it just happened gradually on its own through natural selection, personal experiences, education, social interaction and a myriad of other factors that may or may not have the same effect on other people on a similar boat.

Thank goodness I have become this common-sense worshiping, moral loving, reasoning addicted infidel that I am today. I don’t mind not going to “heaven” as from what I was told heaven is going to be nothing but a huge, non-stop orgy full of men drinking wine from the rivers and having sex with virgin angels anyway. It’s not like I haven’t been in one before and if only the men are going to have fun in this so-called heavenly orgy, I wouldn’t want to be one sitting there watching all the fun, how boring would that be, right? 

But, I digress.

The same thing happened with my idea of motherhood. While I know that it is indeed a natural part of life and I don’t oppose of it, I don’t think it’s for everyone. My friends told me that I will hear my biological clock ticking and I will know when it’s time. Well, I am almost 36 and either my biological clock needs a new battery or it just isn’t happening for me.

I actually don’t mind not having kids. Nope, let me rephrase that, I actually don’t want any kids. 

*Gasps* “How can she say that? It’s blasphemy!!” some people may think.

Well a few years ago, I feel guilty whenever I even think about this and I certainly never say it out loud. Whenever people ask me, “So Rima, when will you have a baby?” or “Don’t you want to hear the pitter-patter of ‘tiny feet in your house??” I answer, “Not now, maybe in a few years.” (Although I constantly have the urge to answer the second question with, “If I want to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet in my house I’d buy a Chihuahua and have it wear small dog boots around the house. Problem solved”)

But who am I kidding? I didn’t want a baby then, and I sure as hell don’t want one now.

Now I have become more assertive in my life decisions and I no longer feel guilty telling people that, “Kids are just not for me.” because “I think my life is perfect the way it is.”

The thing is, I know parents who don’t really want children but were forced into having them by society and their families. I have seen what that does to their children and it’s not pretty. I am fulfilled by my life, I have my routines, my job, my side job, my hobbies, my friends and my family. I am content with my life and I think I’m blessed with so many good things in life that there is nothing more I could possibly want. So why ruin a good thing?

I don’t want to have kids just for the sake of having them, “cos everybody else has them.” As if kids are a pair of Gucci loafers or a Plasma TV. No, if I ever have kids it will be because I really, and I mean REALLY want them.

If I give in to the pressure and norms of the society, I could end up resenting my kids and feel like I have given up many things I enjoy to have them. I know this sounds selfish, but it is more selfish to have kids so that people will accept you and think you are “normal”. Let me tell you something, there is nothing normal about having unwanted kids because it will screw up that kid and scar them emotionally for life, not to mention turning you into an asshole.

Now I should know, I was one of these kids. And again I tell you, it’s not pretty for both the parties involved as it is sad and unfair for an adult to have to do something they  don’t really want but feel like they “must” do while it’s especially unjust and unfair for a child to be born to parents who don’t really want them.

So the next time I hear somebody asking me that dreadful question again or making a snide remark about who will take care of me in my old age if I don’t have kids, that is when I will say “If I ever decide to have kids, I will do so because I really want to. And I will love that child and educate them so that they have free will, an open mind and a loving heart. Not so that I have a guaranteed spot in a homey retirement home.” I won’t even care if a person insinuates that women who never bear children are not real women. Yes, there are people like that out there, total bitches.  

Because at the end of the day, having children (or not) is your personal choice and nobody should be able to pressure you into doing it or talk you out of it when you want to do so. It’s your right, your prerogative and no one else. period.

Hmm.. shopping dia. Tapi tak apalah, toh yang dibeli adalah sepatu lari. Katanya sih sang suami mau mulai olahraga, suatu hal yang bagus karena selama ini dia hanya olahraga mulut (mengunyah) dan olah otot punggung (goler-goleran di sofa sambil nonton TV) atau olahraga jari (klik mouse main cityville berjam jam di facebook).

Sang Suami : “Bagus kan yang sepatunya. Tapi ini sepatunya khusus outdoor, tidak bisa dipakai indoor..”

Sang Istri     : “Bagus, berapa harganya kamu beli?”

Sang Suami (dengan penuh kebanggaan) : “Murah, 30 Euro, turun dari 50 Euro. Harga asli di toko 119 Euro”

Sang Istri (mulai jahill) : “Yah, mahal banget sih, di toko sport di deket kantor cuma 15 Euroan”

Sang Suami (sambil ngepas sepatu) : “Ya itu mah sepatu biasa, yang ini kan sepatu lari khusus, untuk outdoor, tidak bisa dipakai indoor”

Sang Istri (sambil menunjuk sepatu anyar yang sudah bertengger cantik di kaki suami) : “Gimana gak bisa dipakai indoor, itu bisa kamu pakai sekarang, dan kita di dapur, indoor toh?”

(Pada saat ini adik sang istri sudah mulai ngakak gila mendengar percakapan ini)

Sang Suami : ………….

Setelah itu dia diam saja sambil memandangi sepatu barunya yang melekat di kakinya, tiba-tiba cengiran lebar muncul di wajahnya, seperti anak kecil yang baru dibelikan mainan baru. Kelihatannya senang sekali dia dengan sepatu barunya itu

Sang Istri   (masih jahil) : “So, kapan mulai lari? Atau dalam mimpi saja?”

Sang Suami : “Ya nanti dong, begitu ada waktu aku akan mulai jogging”

Sang Istri  (tambah jahil) : “Semoga lah, jangan terus terusan lari dari kenyataan ajah. Badan kamu udah kaya swikee, perut bunder tangan sama kaki kurus, udah waktunya mulai                              olahraga, biar kurang dikit lah perutnya”

Sang Suami  (tidak acuh dengan ucapan sang istri) : “Ternyata bagus juga sepatu ini yah, apalagi sekarang dia sudah di rumah, sendirian dan tidak ada teman-temannya yang di                                       toko, jadi keliatan tambah bagus, tidak ada perbandingan dengan yang lainnya”

Sang Istri  (tidak karuan jahilnya) : “Ya memang, makanya pas dulu kita kawin, teman teman semua tanya ke aku, apa benar keputusan ku mau kawin sama kamu, apakah aku yakin, tidak nyesel. Aku jawab yang sama seperti kamu barusan bilang. Aku tidak akan nyesel soalnya nanti setelah kita sudah sampai di rumah dan tidak ada orang lainnya, kamu akan jadi yang paling cakep, tidak ada perbandingan soalnya.”

Sang Suami : “Sialan kamu!!”

(Adik sang istri ngakak guling guling di ruang tamu)

Masih ingat ketika saya masih taat beragama dan merasa telah berada di jalan yang paling benar. Tapi kok ya setiap lagi ada rejeki, berbentuk duit atau apapun, malah kurang bersyukur, dan malahan senantiasa merasa rejeki itu kurang. Sering sekali berkata dalam hati maupun out loud “yah kok cuma segini sih?” Nah, itu pas ada rejeki atau kesenangan yang datang, coba bayangkan kalau sedang diberi “cobaan” yang katanya juga harus kita syukuri. Boro boro bersyukur, yang ada malah sumpah serapah, marah sama nasib dan juga marah sama Tuhan.

Jaman itu walaupun segala sesuatu berkecukupan dan cenderung berlebihan tetapi semua hal itu tidak terlihat sama mata, seakan malah segala sesuatunya kurang. Yang terasa adalah hidup itu penuh dengan penderitaan, dan merasa seperti itu di tengah ‘nyetir mobil anyar yang dan ber-AC, dalam perjalanan harian ke mall pulang kantor untuk mengusir kebosanan dengan shopping tiada henti. Even in that condition saya sepertinya tidak bisa bersyukur dan memilih utk nit-picking atau berfokus kepada hal hal yg kurang dalam hidup saya yang sebetulnya tidak ada kurangnya.

Satu dekade lebih telah berlalu semenjak masa masa itu dan hidup saya sekarang ini jauh berbeda dengan hidup saya yang dulu. Kalau boleh dibilang berubah 180 derajat lah dari segala segi (dan bukan 360 derajat seperti orang orang suka bilang untuk menekankan banyaknya perubahan tersebut, padahal kalau 360 derajat mah ya balik lagi ke tempat yang sama heheheh) , yang sayangnya tidak dapat saya uraikan semua disini, tetapi sekedar menyentuh permukaan saja sih untuk contoh cerita mungkin masih bisa.

Kalau menuruti perasaan dan otak apa yang saya dapatkan sekarang lebih banyak bikin meringis karena sakit atau sedih dibanding tertawa kesenangan karena bahagia, tapi for some reason, mungkin karena saya sudah meninggalkan agama yang diorganisir oleh manusia yang selama ini malah membuat saya hidup seperti zombie yg panik dan ketakutan ketinggalan kereta dan ketakutan dinilai orang, atau mungkin juga faktor u dan ph (umur dan pengalaman hidup) pengerjaan bersyukur dan arti sesungguhnya dari bersyukur atas segala sesuatu yang kita dapatkan, baik maupun “buruk” itu malah jauh lebih luwes dan mengalir bagi saya. Mungkin juga karena setelah tiga dekade lebih hidup di dunia ini saya akhirnya menemukan formula kebahagiaan yg selama ini saya cari dengan desperate tetapi melulu ke tempat tempat yang salah.

Formula ajaib tersebut untuk saya ternyata tidak lain tidak bukan adalah “bersyukur” dan “pasrah” dan mungkin juga karena saya jauh lebih zen sekarang dibanding dulu.

Kalau orang beragama itu mungkin mengerjakan aktivitas bersyukur dan pasrah adalah kepada Tuhan. Mungkin memang sebagai umat yang taat, dan bagi sebagian orang mungkin juga untuk menimba pahala sebanyak mungkin agar nanti di hari penentuan lantai lantai di bawah kaki mereka tidak akan terbuka dan menjatuhkan badan mereka ke dalam api neraka jahanam. Apa yang mereka lakukan, apapun alasannya adalah suatu hal yang saya hormati, tetapi kalau untuk saya pribadi terus terang melakukan kegiatan bersyukur dan pasrah ini lebih untuk  mental state well being saya dan lebih penting lagi agar hidup juga terasa ringan apabila dijalani dengan pengertian penuh bahwa banyak hal yang terjadi adalah di luar kuasa kita, maka kita harus dapat berpasrah diri, dan bersyukur atas apapun yang kita miliki.

Ini bukan omong kosong belaka karena saya adalah living proof hal ini, bahwa ini memang benar benar bekerja. Misalnya ketika yang saya miliki dulu ada 100 buah, tetapi saya kurang bersyukur dan merasa itu tidak cukup karena sibuk melarak lirik tetangga yang punya 120, 200, 1000, maka yang saya rasakan adalah kurang, kurang dan kurang. Sekarang, ketika saya hanya memiliki 25 dan saya fokus dengan diri sendiri saja dan merasa cukup, maka secara ajaib memang ternyata semuanya cukup, dan bahkan suka berlebih dan masih bisa berbagi 1 atau 2 dengan orang lain.

Dulu saya suka meledek falsafah yang saya sebut dengan “falsafah untung” milik orang jawa yang sedikit sedikit bilangnya untung. Misalnya seperti ini, “Untung mati ketabrak mercedes, coba kalau ketabrak bajaj, kan keluarganya tidak bisa minta ganti rugi” wong sudah mati kok ya masih untung.

Tapi sekarang saya kok ya jadi berfalsafah seperti itu juga, memang benar orang jaman dulu bilang hati hati kalau mentertawakan orang karena nanti malah kita bisa berada di tempat yang sama.

“Untung overspeeding cuma 19 km di atas speed limit, jadi denda 80 euro, kalau lebih dari itu bisa kena 150 euro kan?” penerapan prinsip untung yang agak salah karena dari awalnya kenapa sok ngebut ngebutan lupa sama umur dan gak terima kenyataan bahwa sudah uzur dan nyetir harus sudah mulai pelan seperti nenek nenek atau,

“Untung cuma rugi sekian euro, coba kalau lebih dari itu…” dimana penerapan prinsip untung untuk kasus ini lebih ngaco lagi karena namanya udah rugi ya tidak untung, mau rugi cuma satu perak atau seribu perak, tetap aja sama sama rugi walaupun degree of sufferingnya rugi 1 perak dan 1000 perak itu memang berbeda.

Namun walaupun agak salah maupun ngaco, saya mengalami sekali bahwa bersyukur, even di saat sedang bermasalah pelik justru membantu agar saya lebih kuat lagi, apalagi diiringi oleh berpasrah diri (dalam kasus saya berpasrah diri itu berniat dan usaha se-pol mungkin tetapi pasrah dan bersiap diri apabila hasilnya tidak sesuai apa yang kita harapkan, jadi lebih seperti terapi psikologis dibanding agamis) kedua hal ini jika dilakukan beiriringan ternyata memang resep jitu menjaga kewarasan otak dan kebahagiaan hidup. Kalau saya bisa kasih click like button di bawah falsafah hidup ini seperti yang saya sering lakukan di status teman teman saya di facebook, pasti saya sudah lakukan dari dulu. Tapi berhubung tidak ada apa apa yang bisa di klik jadi saya tulis saja disini, sembari berpromosi falsafah andal sekaligus mengingatkan diri lagi secara diulang biar lebih nglotok lagi penerapannya, paling tidak untuk saya pribadi.

WTF, that’s mean, I didn’t mean to say that, especially cos I don’t know anybody ugly. OK, that was a blatant lie, I know plenty uglies, In AND outside. I even spend time on a daily basis with one or two that it makes me sick to the bones.

But I digress.

My point is we all think we are somewhat good-looking and some of us might remember being told since young that good looks can help you get by in life. Hearing this as a child, we tend to believe it, and wish that our good looks will indeed help us later in life.

Tai kucing Muka dodol!

Well, mine didn’t help me one bit. If anything, my so-called good looks got me in more trouble than what it’s worth.

Sometimes I think being vanilla pays off better than being rum raisin dulce de leche with a side of durian. As delicious as it may seem, it can be too much at times.

Being a vanilla has considerable advantage over us non-vanillas in the sense that people will not have too high of an expectation from you, and that is a good trick because that is called managing people’s expectations. But on the other hand, that other side of the mighty evil coin, sometimes people don’t have any expectations at all,  intelligence-wise, when you do have good looks.

Most think that good looking people are usually stupid and often in different social settings this common stereotyping has gotten me into various types of mischief in which usually I had to make an effort in showing people that I have a brain, albeit tiny, and I might have said or done stuff to prove that I do have brains. More often than not, my efforts have proven successful, but in some cases, it has landed me in some difficult, sometimes dangerous, situations.

I will not elaborate on what those situations were but you should get my drift, unless you are beautiful AND blonde, in which case you needn’t worry about anything but keep your pretty heads attractive. (Ugly blondes needn’t worry, you’ll get my drift but you’ll be too busy kicking yourself for finding out that you are actually not beautiful)

*yawns*

I actually don’t have anything more to write, nothing in my brain, nothing. But I just need to type, my fingers need exercise, they were getting too fat. So yeah, back to those who think that good looks gets you places, that’s true in very specific cases only. Like, if you’re Angelina Jolie, or Scarlett Johansson, or Natalie Portman, etc. Other people, they aren’t so lucky.

I personally think that good looks mean shit. It’s money that will help you out, no matter how fuckin’ ugly you are. Look at Donald Trump! Lady Gaga! The proof is in the pudding.

It’s 2.49 and I am absolutely sleepy. My imaginary friend is getting horny and I need to attend to his needs as well. See ya later people, and remember, money makes the world go round, so go after the money and when you have a fuckload of it, flaunt it in front of your poor salivating friends, you’ll get an kick better than 1000 orgasms from it. Trust me, I’m one of those poor salivating friends watching my bloody rich friends reach climax while doing this.

Ciao Belles!

Uniquely Singapore, Malaysia. Truly Asia, Incredible India, Amazing Thailand etc.

Like Oigal, I think that “wonderful Indonesia” is ok, but it doesn’t really give us anything more, it’s too generic. I was too busy “working” to come up with anything original, so I decided to use an online generator slogan.

This slogan generator seemed to be a very sophisticated program, as it has cleverly come up with so many slogans that didn’t make sense (much like the country’s government) but if you think twice about them, they become somewhat suitable. These are a few of the slogans:

- If only everything in life was as reliable as Indonesia

- What’s in Your Indonesia? (this one actually makes sense since my Indonesia is so much different from some people’s. Theirs are perfect, advanced, full of bright minded individuals, no corruption and a country with religious harmony. Mine is, uh, total opposite)

- If you can’t beat Indonesia, join Indonesia!

- You can do i when you Indonesia it (and by Indonesia I mean bribe)

- Little. Yellow. Different. Indonesia.

- Once you pop, you can’t stop Indonesia.

- How Refreshing. How Indonesia

- See the Indonesia, Feel the shine (quite appropriate I must say. The Donald Trump can also use this, methinks)

- Cleans a big, big Indonesia for less than half a crown (I think they meant Bakrie)

- 3-1 protection for your Indonesia (this is a must for your friendly sex tourists) – Get the Indonesia habit (and by habit again I meant bribe) – Half the Indonesia, all the taste (I think this one refers to bakso tikus)

- The cream of Indonesia (ok, I’m not even gonna discuss this one)

- Because so much is riding on your Indonesia (neither am i for this one)

-Get more from Indonesia (cos your dollar stretches further there, obviously)

- Gotta Lotta Indonesia (I think the many men are familiar with this particular one hehehehe)

- Indonesia Makes Everything better (and by Indonesia I mean money)

- The Best Indonesia a Man can get (I think it’s missing “for 200 ribu” at the end, but hey, I’m not the slogan generator)

- Indonesia is good for you. (no comment)

- You’ll wonder where the yellow went, when you brush your teeth with Indonesia (the words ‘brush’ and ‘teeth’ are changeable)

- Central heating for Indonesia

- If you want to get ahead, get an Indonesia (and before any of you say anything, no, it’s ‘ahead’ not ‘head’. I checked)

- This is not your father’s Indonesia (this slogan should be hanged in every single room in every single govt building, to remind the officials that indeed the country doesn’t belong to their dad and they can’t keep on taking ‘pocket money’ from the people)

- Gee, Your Indonesia smelles terrific! (must be in a mall somewhere, definitely nowhere near Kali Ciliwung)

and my two personal favorites:

- I wish I were an Indonesia Weiner.

- Nothing Sucks like an Indonesia

YEAH!

This one the generator came up with is actually halfway decent:

- Come to Life, Come to Indonesia.

But If I were the Minister of Tourism, I would screw the other ASEAN countries on the butt and use this one as it consists of all their slogans and so much more:

Lipsmackin’ Thristquenchin’ Acetastin’ Motivatin’ Goodbuzzin’ Cooltalkin’ Highwalkin’ Fastlivin’ Evergivin’ Coolfizzin’ Indonesia.

Some of the slogans were posted as part of a comment on oigal’s IM post.

The first guide to life a la Rima is:

1.  Never Give Up.  If Rick Astley is Never Gonna Give You up then you shouldn’t give up on yourself either.

What I have learned from living this arduous, adventurous yet wondrous life of mine the past 35 years is that no matter how hard you have been hit and how many times you have been thrown into the shittiest of pits, the one thing you must never do is give up. Why, you ask? Because once you give up, once you decide to wither away and accept the ‘false facts’ that there is nothing else you can do, that is when that idea becomes reality. You must forever be persistent in your quest to change your destiny and you will see how things will change if you keep at it. Seriously, I shit you not.

I am walking and living proof of this, although I cannot really share with you what it is I was persistent about because after all this blog is somewhat PG 13 and I still want my blog to be accessed in Indonesia and not blocked by the ever paranoid of everything porn Mr. Tiffie Sembiring is, our very persistent Minister of Communications.

Ha! There’s one example for you. Tiffie is so persistent in making our nation appear like porn crazed people that now we are in the top 10 country of porn accessors! Hats off Tif! <–  See?

2. Open Your Heart. While I applaud people who open their hearts, I condemn those who open their legs too easily.

I strongly think that we all need to live our lives with a bit of bravado and courage and one way to do that is to open your heart. I have had so many experiences in which I was hurt by doing that. But you know what? The times I have been hurt by opening my heart and being vulnerable compared to the times that doing that has brought me joy is incomparable. Opening my heart was worth the joy I had, it has brought me happiness and friends, and it has given me really nice memories for years to come.

Sometimes I imagine if I had kept my heart closed, I would’ve never been blessed with so many good things in life, like reasons to wake up in the morning, good friends and company who comfort me when I’m sad and who cheer for me when I achieve something. The thought of not having any of that just make me shudder.

But along with opening your heart to love, life and sometimes even lust, I do not recommend falling in lust too easily as if will bring you lots and lots of problem, which brings us to the next point:

3. Love Yourself. And also, from time to time you need to “love” yourself.

You need to love yourself in order to get love from others. If you treat yourself like shit, have no respect for yourself and think of yourself too small, then you will only make yourself a doormat and people will only be too willing to walk all over you, use you and abuse you. Whitney had a point, that song “greatest love of all” is not just a silly shallow song with no meaning. It’s annoying as hell that song, but she’s got a point there. Learning to love yourself IS the greatest love of all. Shame she didn’t understand the lyrics of her own song and had to resort to the love of crack, heroin and other “recreational” drugs before she could start loving herself, but hey, if God gave her the voice of an angel and the brains of Einstein, it’s not fair, is it? God can only do so much, and He went to the max when he created me.

As much as any of us would like to satisfy the gateway of our physical incarnation; the thing between our inner thighs; or just plain fuck like bunnies whenever we feel the urge, we must love ourselves and think twice before we do anything we might regret. We can opt to: ”love” ourselves instead with any sex toys you can get in any sex shops across town (or other stuff you have around the house, no judgment here) or you can stop  the foolishness of wanting to satisfy every single lust urge that you have and turn it into useful energy to do productive stuff instead. I speak from experience when I say this, but both men and women, when it comes to ability to think rationally in times of lust, they both score pretty low.

It’s kinda being drunk, but worse. All you get when you get drunk are often just bruises from falling or bumping into things, but what you might get when you are in lust and not thinking before you go at it with someone you don’t know might give you STDs, get your pregnant, ruin your reputation, wreck your life, get you a psycho stalker who kills bunnies in cold blood so on and so forth.

4. Earn the Respect of others.

In addition to loving your self, you need to also learn to earn the respect of others. And just how do you earn the respect of others?

Well, first off, you need to respect them and treat them how you want to be treated. Second, you must always put yourself in the position of others before you do anything because nothing says that you are an asswipe more than to assume or even worse, to do stuff when you want to and however you want to without regards of what other people might feel and think.

An example, I used to work as a copywriter in an advertising agency, and there was this girl we know who was one of the receptionists. After a while, she got promoted and went on to become the secretary of the General Manager. She was quite an O.K. person before, but the moment she became the secretary of the GM, she changed into an unbelievable bitch who thought she WAS the boss, and treated people like shit while asslicking (and probably blogwjob-ing) the boss who of course thought she was angelic and can do no wrong.

Of course everybody smiled in front of her and kept on being polite but behind her, people were laughing and trash talking her because the fact of the matter is that her position was open for so long because professional secretaries didn’t want the job due to the low pay rate and nobody was dumb enough to take on the job for the same pay and yet much more responsibility and work. She ended up the buttjoke of everyone, even the office boys, and since she wasn’t exactly the brightest light in the room, she had no clue that people disliked her and made fun of her behind her back.

In the end, she got no respect, cos she treated people with no respect. Case closed.

5. Be Nice and Play Nice.

This is actually related to the previous point. We all need to be able to be kind to other people and play nice with them. Of course there are times when we just want to skin a person alive and BBQ them then feed them to the hungry hyenas out there in the wild, but we need to supress that kind of anger and try to be the person with the bigger heart and forgive.

If there is one thing I learned from life, the nicer you are (or at least the nicer you try to be), the more you will get from life. Because karma exist and karma can be a reaaaaaaaaal bitch.

But remember, being nice does not equal being stupid. You need to employ smartness and wits along with a kind heart, and only by using all of them will you be able to play nice and surf life with ease. Trust me on this, because I am always right. Oh and because I am mighty awesome that even God covers my songs when he jams at the Heaven’s Gate Bar, just next to the Blue Oyster Bar where Michael Jackson works on Thank God it’s Karaoke Fridays.

6. Have an Open  Mind. But not too open cos your brains might fall out.

Ok the last bit is not true, my brains never fall out except when I whip my hair (you gotta love this kid).

Having an open mind is really fun, you get to think for yourself, you get to decide stuff for yourself, and you get to question things in which in most cases you will get the answers to. Before I discovered that having an open mind is even an option, things were already laid out for me and I was never able to question any of them. I was forced to believe everything, down to the dot. It was miserable.

But then as years go by and as my life progressed, I found that I am a perfectly able person with a sound mind who is perfectly capable to have my own mind and make my own decisions. That is when I chose to let my mind open and keep it open because the only thing constant in life is change, our lives are constanly changing, the world is constantly changing and even belief systems constantly change and reforms itself.

So in order to keep up to date with everything I decided to go with the flow, the constant change, and to do that there is only one thing I can do, which is to always keep an open mind and go with the flow. Wow..  that is so deep, even for me! I swear Dalai Lama must have learned a thing or two from me during those years we spent together in school smoking dope and shit..!

7. Help yourself first, and others after.

I spoke about loving ourselves, but there is also something else that is equally important. We need to be able to help ourselves first and then we can focus on helping others.

We see many people who are stuck in a rut, who complain about it and who hope that other people can help them out and give them a solution yet they are geniuses when trying to solve other people’s problems. Hell, we might be one of these people ourselves without realizing it!

Nobody can change our lives and help us but ourselves. Some people might have others around them as support systems who might be able to offer them some kind of temporary relief, but we need to stop expecting too much from other people and stop focusing too much on other people’s problems in order to help ourselves. When we can do that, only then can we turn things around for the better for everybody.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t help people, not at all. But too many times I see people who are so focused to help other people that they forget that their own lives is just as messy, if not more, than those they are trying to help! And that is a recipe for disaster, and not the good kind either.

We must all take a step or two back to re-evaluate our lives and take care of ourselves, then when we are strong enough, we can spend time to help others.

After y’all are strong enough, the first person you should help is me. To do that, email me so I can give you my bank account number and you can be as generous as you want, and trust me not only will you feel good about yourself after, you will also have serious points in the after life cos me and God, we’re tight like that.

8. Do not be Delusional. Be realistic and perform the much needed reality checks once in a while, just like you defragment your computer once a month…

I was once delusional and lived in a dreamworld. When things did not go my way, I thought the world was unfair, God was against me, the sun didn’t want to shine in my presence (jeez, what a HUGE ego?) and that people envied me hence all the shit that they did to me. Well I was wrong (obviously).  I had it coming cos I was a whiny bitch with too big of an ego and a serious queen bee syndrome who wanted to rule the world and made everybody my slave.

As much as it worked during my school years and several years in college still, out in real life when interacting with adults, it did not work and even when I thought it did, it certainly did not end well. I learnt this the hard way and on my 27th birthday, I decided to change myself into someone I can be proud of and someone I actually like. Non-delusional Rima. Well, most times anyway.

Of course I still think I am awesome and that the world revolves around what Rima wants and what Rima does, but I do it secretly at the comfort of my own home, only known by the people closest to me like Angelina and Brad, Tom and Katie, Nicole and Keith, etc.

9. Be good company. And keep good company is also advisable.

How do you know if you are good company or not? When you are good company, people will want to be around you and they will come looking for you. When nobody misses you, when nobody looks for you and when nobody cares what you say or do in real life (or in twitter) then you are fucked, big time, and not the nice kinda fuck that will leave you grinning from ear to ear. I’m talking about the bad kind that kinda leaves a bad taste in your mouth and makes you want to dig a hole and die in it, not that I know what it feels like cos I’m good company even during PMS.

I cannot really advise you in how to be good company except that you need to be a nice person who can entertain people and is fun to be around, but if you are none of that i guess having a fuckload of money ready to spend on your “friends” helps.

Aside from being good company, keeping good company is also good. When you have negative people around you, you will slowly but surely become one. So if you are always around good company who are fun and positive, that will change your overall outlook and make yourself even better company. Who knows, maybe someday you can even be almost like me!

10. Challenge Yourself. And not the challenge yourself by eating 23 hotdogs in 15 minutes kinda way.

To keep your life dynamic, you need to challenge yourself. By not being satisfied too easily with what you’ve achieved, you will challenge and push yourself to go further. I told Mr. Husband that I needed to set goals in my life, even goals that at times he thought were unrealistic.

But slowly, I am reaching my goals, one by one. Even he is surprised at the things 8 years ago he thought was out of my reach and now I have already in my hands. This is a good thing because through these achievements I might have inspired other people into doing something good for themselves.

But you need to also know your limits because everybody has a limit, and if you miscalculate things, you might end up in the deep end, and you don’t want that, do you?

Everybody has a limit, except me. I was build with a promise from God set in stone that I will be able do anything, with no limits. I just don’t do those stuff because I am a humble person who is too kind thus I never want to intimidate other people or make them think they can’t do stuff better than me. So I lay back and let people have their glory. For now. MWAHAHAHAHAHA *evil laughs*

11. Don’t obssess. Not even about me, I hate stalkers and I hate obsessive stalkers even more.

You must never obsess about anything, be it what you want to be, what you want to have, what you want to do, or WHO you want to do. Obsession is not a good trait and it is certainly not an attractive quality on any person. *coughs*Hitler/Osama/Bush*coughs*

You must be level headed about everything ESPECIALLY about the opposite sex (or the same sex, whatever). If there is one thing that I cannot stand, it’s people who obsess about getting a girl/boyfriend or getting married, or about them being eternally single and they go on and on and on and on about it, in their blogs, in their tweets, in their lives. Ugh, that is repulsive. NO WONDER THEY ARE SINGLE, they’re obsessed with it and can’t shut up about it!

You need to chill, and let things come naturally. And when you finally have a relationship with someone real, not a sex doll or an imaginary boyfriend, you need to also be cool with the whole relationship and not go all Fatal Attraction-y with him (or her). That’s a turn off, and as much as a person likes to be fussed about, nobody enjoys being the center of one’s obsession, cos that’s just fucked up.

12. Be grateful.

This point is so important to me and I will not joke around with it because it is THAT important.

You need to be grateful for whatever it is you have in your life. No matter how small your pay is, no matter how crummy your apartment is, no matter how slow your internet connection is and no matter how old your computer is, when you can still read these words I am writing, you are still better off than maybe 70 % of the world’s population.

There are people who are victims of natural disasters out there who has lost everything valuable they have owned and who has lost their loved ones, there are people out there taken hostage by monsters, there are people out there who have absolutely no money and do not know where they will get their next meal from.

That is why we must be bloody grateful that we are not in that position. I am grateful each day for my life, I do not care about bags, or shoes or clothes anymore, what I care about is that I wake up each day and God loves me so much that he still blesses me with abundance of love, with a roof over my head and more than enough food everyday, family whom I love and friends who care about and need me like I care about and need them. This is a truly a rich life I have and I am truly blessed for that.

13. Never believe in movies. I fuckin’ hate girls who think life is like movies, and even more girls who think that men should be like those in movies. But the worst kind of girls are those who think that sex and the city is real and that life is all manolo blahniks/jimmy choos heels and vivienne westwood dresses filled by vapid bimbos who whine and complain how their men are not putting the toilet seat back down, how they are not “romantic enough” bla bla bla blaaa..

Wake up and smell the coffee!!!! Life is hard and nobody, NO MAN IN THE WORLD is like those perfect men you see in the movies who are fictional characters made up by overpaid scriptwriters who are asswipes for making some girls believe that there are men like that in the first place!

You can watch chick flicks all you want, but please realize that those are just movies and things like that do not happen in real life. EVER.

Plus, you know you are not perfect by any standard. You have stretch marks, you have some cellulite here and there, you want to lose those extra pounds so that you will look good in a bikini this summer and you wish you were born with flawless skin. Now if you know you have imperfections, why should you expect your man to be perfect? Learn to love him for who he is, learn to accept that we are all perfect with our imperfections and then you can finally be happy.

14. Do not follow your heart.

Yes, you heard me, DON’T FOLLOW YOUR HEART. Cos your heart is stupid, it doesn’t have a brain and most stupid things you do are because of that time that you went ahead and followed your heart.

You may follow your heart a little when the heart and brain are in harmony. But when your heart says one thing and your brain and guts tell you another that is when you should ditch your heart and just use your head. Cos your brain and guts don’t lie and your heart kinda does.

15. Lighten up and get a sense of humor.

I asked several male friends of mine who are mature, attractive and successful on what trait(s) they find the most attractive on a lady. While half expecting “nice tits”, “sexy lips”, “long legs” and other shallow stuff like that, their answers surprised me. Brains and sense of humor were two very popular traits they think are the most attractive, while looks weren’t as important anymore for them compared to when they were in their 20s or 30s.

So, there is hope for those who hasn’t sexy lips, nice big sumptuous tits, long legs, and long luscious locks. For those who lack those can make things up by being smart, witty and funny. Being a smart person is good and all, but trust me, there are a lot of smart people I know that are as attractive as a blank paper. Why? Because they are not funny. Funny people are attractive, they make people want to be around them, they make beautiful people feel insecure about themselves and they make many people wish they are just like them!

I’m so glad I am gorgeous, smart AND Funny. Triple threat, boo-yah! But I digress.

Yeah so lighten up and get a sense of humor, memorize good jokes you can tell at parties, take a chance by letting go of your self and make fun of yourself, but most importantly, never be afraid to show your silly side because usually that is when you show your true colors and might very well seal the deal with that special someone you might be eyeing for a while.

So there it is, Guide to life a la Me. I hope you enjoy reading them and I hope if you are brave enough to follow any of them and get good results you will let me know about it and share the story/the good news. (But if you get no results or bad results, forget I ever wrote this in the first place. Thanks)

Until next month!

Kepada Yth;

Bpk/Ibu/Teman Sevisi  GSKBI

GSKBI lahir di Senin hitam pada tanggal 7 Februari 2011 menyusul pembunuhan tiga warga Ahmadiyah yang telah dibantai oleh oknum-oknum tidak bertanggung jawab di Desa Cikeusik, Pandeglang, Banten.

Peristiwa ini menandai permulaan dari kehancuran dasar negara Indonesia, yaitu Bhinneka Tunggal Ika dan makin pudarnya solidaritas kebebasan beragama di Indonesia yang telah lama menjadi model dunia untuk toleransi dan harmoni dalam kehidupan  antar umat beragama yang berbeda tetapi dapat menemukan titik persamaan sehingga mampu hidup berdampingan dalam kedamaian.

Gerakan ini dimaksud untuk mengajak Bapak, Ibu dan teman-teman yang prihatin dan memiliki visi yang sama dengan kami, yaitu mendukung kehidupan damai dan tentram bagi semua rakyat Indonesia beragama apapun seperti yang diinginkan oleh para pelopor NKRI dan yang masih kita semua inginkan sekarang, 65 tahun kemudian.

Silahkan Bapak, Ibu dan teman-teman apabila ingin menyebarluaskan pesan dari gerakan ini yang intinya untuk menanamkan kembali atau mengingat dan menjalankan kembali kehidupan toleransi antar umat beragama yang dulu selama bertahun tahun kita nikmati dan saat ini sudah semakin hilang dikarenakan teror dari pihak tertentu yang menunggangi ini, yang ingin merusak NKRI dan mengubahnya demi kepentingan golongannya sendiri.

Berikan arti bagi kepergian tiga warga Ahmadiyah sebagai permulaan gerakan penolakan kontrol dan tirani para teroris kebebasan beragama di Indonesia dan juga gerakan penyadaran diri para penguasa Negara yang terus diam menyaksikan kejadian demi kejadian brutal yg telah menjadikan rakyat Indonesia semakin merasa takut dan tidak aman tinggal di negaranya sendiri, di rumahnya sendiri.

Cara-cara yang dapat Bapak/Ibu/Teman-teman dapat lakukan untuk penyebaran pesan GSKBI antara lain adalah:

a.       membuat profile picture di facebook atau jaringan sosial lainnya dengan gambar yang tersedia disini: http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/hs048.snc6/167834_10150374795675162_775165161_17201025_4463416_n.jpg

atau

http://bit.ly/hsYAS1

b.      Mengubah status facebook menjadi “Mari dukung Gerakan Solidaritas Kebebasan Beragama di Indonesia – GSKBI” atau sebarluaskan via twitter pesan yang sama dan memakai hashtag #GSKBI

c.       Menulis dalam blog-blog apabila memiliki blog, mengenai gerakan ini dan juga ajakan kepada para pembaca blog anda semua untuk melakukan hal yang sama.

Silakan email (Nama, Alamat,Telp/HP) ke kami melalui alamat email solidaritasberagamaindonesia@gmail.com apabila Bapak/Ibu/ Teman-teman memiliki ide yang lain atau sekedar dukungan atau shoutout kepada kami agar kami tahu bahwa kami tidak sendiri dalam hal ini.

Terima kasih atas perhatiannya, kami tunggu kehadiran anda semua dalam penyebaran pesan GSKBI dan semoga melalui gerakan ini ada perubahan di Negara kita tercinta, sekecil apapun perubahan itu tetapi itu sangat berarti bagi kelangsungan toleransi kehidupan beragama di Indonesia.

Mengapa gerakan ini penting sekali? Karena hari ini korban teror dan kebejatan ini adalah warga Ahmadiyah tetapi apabila kita diam membisu terus menerus, besok korban berikutnya bisa jadi salah satu di antara kita, atau siapa saja warga Republik Indonesia yang seharusnya memiliki hak yang sama sebagai warga RI.

Terima kasih atas perhatian dan kerjasamanya, Ide dan sumbang saran setiap saat kami tunggu, demi menuju ke Indonesia yang lebih baik.

Brussel, 7 Februari 2011,

Rima Fauzi & Imelda Tenyala

Pemrakarsa Gerakan Solidaritas Kebebasan Beragama di Indonesia -  Brussel, Belgia

E-mail: solidaritasberagamaindonesia@gmail.com

I remember as a little kid, I used to be so envious of him because he had so many toys that I didn’t have but wanted. He had so many barbie dolls like you wouldn’t believe! But then we moved to New Zealand and then to East Borneo and we never really saw each other again until ’93.

In 1993 my dad bought a house in Bintaro Jaya, a really nice real estate area in South Jakarta. Oma Hetty, which is Aa’s mom, helped dad in the house buying process because they have lived in that area since a few years before that.

Because we moved to that area, I got to hang out more with Aa’. He just started his fashion label and me, still a virgin at 17, was curious about his world, the glamorous world of socialtes, models, fashion designers and good looking people.

He took me under his wings, taught me how to put make up on, shared his wardrobe (cos he had a lot of feminine clothes that I would borrow whenever we went out) took me out places, introduced me to his friends and most importantly, opened my eyes to the world that I wanted to live in, wanted to own.

He was one of the very first people that I called when I finally lost my virginity. His exact words upon hearing the news were, “You lost it to a man who loves you, right? Because that is what I have always told you to do, make sure your first is worth it so you will never hate yourself later.” And sure thing, I listened to him and I waited for the right person. My first was one of the great loves of my life and is now still a dear friend.

Aa’ knew me first when I was a silly little girl with a HUGE confidence problem, but he helped me get over the problem and saw me grow into a woman so confident about herself that it borders on being narcissistic. But he never worried about me because he knows that I always fall on my feet plus he shaped me and taught me how I was supposed to live my life, not by words, but by example.

His quirky and unique sense of humor infected me; he and I share such a deep understanding of one another that in so many occasions we didn’t need to say anything but our exchange of looks was communication enough.

I remember he took me to Singapore in ’93 or ’94 when he had to get his health checked out before he got his first kidney transplant. I spent several days with him in his hospital room but never felt depressed because even when he was sick, he always managed to make other people feel good, to make them laugh and just make people have a great time regardless what he was feeling!

He was amazing in the fact that he never wanted to be a burden to anyone and always put the need of others above his own, even if it meant him suffering, whether emotionally or physically.

He had such a big heart and so much love for other people that he had no space in his heart to keep hatred towards others. There were so many people around him who were just around to take advantage of him. There were his so-called friends (you know who you are) who was around all the time because Aa’ had a lot of money and loved to spend his money on others. Whether taking friends out for expensive meals, or buying them stuff or helping out with their finances, he spends easily on people he cared for, even when he know they were faking it.

Even those ‘friends’ who loved him and left he never hated. Not even disliked. He just felt that it was natural selection, that some friendships had expiration dates.

The only thing that he truly hated was how some people can take their healths for granted. Those who were using drugs, who were having unprotected sex, careless about their health, those who liked to seek danger and those who contemplated suicide.

He told me many times, some times whilst crying, “Rima, please don’t be stupid and take care of yourself. You are lucky to have been born with a clean bill of health. Do not take your health for granted because all the money in the world means nothing when you are sick like me. And I was born sick, so I know what I am talking about.”

He was the strongest reason why I stopped being stupid, stopped taking drugs and stopped contemplating suicide. I went all clean when I was 19 because his words struck a chord with me. After that I took care of myself better than before.

He was also the person who encouraged me to sing, to write, to model (he made me walk the runway for the launch of his first plus sized fashion line in ’97 in Fashion Cafe Jakarta) and to be proud of who I am. He was like the big sister I have never had, the best gay uncle and role model a girl could ever have and was in so many ways my fairy godmother. I owe so much that I have now to him, because he taught me stuff that I have never been taught before and I live life remembering and applying them.

One of the things he taught me was to be non judgmental to others. When I stopped believing in my religion, I told him about it. And although we shared the same religion, he never judged me for becoming a non believer. He loved me still as I am and he told me that it’s my heart that matters. No matter what religion I believed in, or if I had none, it’s how I conduct my life that matters most to him.

He didn’t care about what religion, race, gender or sexual orientation a person was, he was a big fan of people’s hearts and kindness, not some thousands of years of scriptures that tells us to do stuff that is actually against our heart and better judgments to begin with.

Even when my parents weren’t, he was there for me still and always. He continued to love and comfort me, assuring me that they will change one day; that their hearts will soften and they will see what and who I have become, a changed person and a much better one at that. And they will one day want to get to get re-acquainted with me, and will even be proud of me. I hope to God he is right about that too.

He knew me inside and out, was with me through my first marriage, my many boyfriends and ex fiances, helped me with my problems during adolescence, the ups and downs of my love life and life in general, and he was my number one cheerleader. He believed in me and he made a difference in my life.

The amazing thing is that even with his poor health, he was able to do this to so many other people, his family, his friends, his acquaintances. God must have loved him more than his other children because He blessed Aa’ with the emotional strength of Mother Teresa and the wisdom of Mother Nature. I am not exaggerating here, he is like that, at least in my eyes.

When I moved to Brussels in 2001, I remember him being so sad that I will be away from him, but I told him that I will surely keep in touch every chance I got. I invited him to my (2nd) wedding in 2003, but he couldn’t come because his health was getting worse. But he promised me that if there is one thing he will do before he dies, it is to come and visit me here, and his extended family in Holland.

Over the years I heard that his health got better, he had his second kidney transplant and that he was feeling better.

He got involved in so many activities that I was actually worried for him because I know how he can be when he is busy. He will not take care of himself so well because he was a true workaholic and he hated to let other people down, so he will not stop if his projects were not yet finished.

Sure enough, I heard that his newest project, a movie he was producing, was included in the Rotterdam Film Festival 2010. The movie was his baby, he financed it and they even shot it at his house. He came to Rotterdam in February 2010 and spent a week there to promote the movie, then I picked him up when it was over and he spent a week and a half with me.

The week and a half he spent with me was time that he spent in pain. Due to being over tired during the film festival, his health got so bad that I couldn’t take him to Paris, to Luxembourg and Germany like we had previously planned. We went to the hospital instead where he heard some bad news about his lungs, his kidney and his overall condition.

I made sure he rested, and took care of him during his stay at my place. We went to my bestfriend’s Fifie’s place in Holland because he also knew her since long ago and he knew that he could come and visit but still rest and relax there because she is like family.

After the weekend at Fifie’s place, we drove him to Utrecht to his cousin’s place because he wanted to spend some time with his immediate family there. They would take him to Amsterdam for his flight the next day. Knowing that he was with family, I could leave him with ease.

I still remember him promising me to come and visit again in 2011, this time with his mom. I know that it’s never gonna happen, but I secretly hope he will come visit me, even if it’s in my dreams.

I cried a few hours ago when I heard the news about his passing, but now i am just laughing and smiling, remembering him and recalling my fondest memories of him. His leaving is a big loss for me and I am sure also to so many other people whose lives he has touched, but I would much rather celebrate his life than focus on the sadness of him being gone. He was a truly unique and inspiring individual who had no hatred in his heart. If people in this world were half the person he was, the world would be such a better place to live in.

Life is short, yet it is not about how long you live it but how you spend it. His may be short, but it was meaningful and his presence in this world of ours helped a lot of people and changed lives. Such was my angel, my bestfriend, my uncle. You will be deeply missed.

*Dedicated to my uncle Achmad Ingemar Laguna Wiranatakusumah or Aa’, who was an angel in this world and will join the other angels of God in heaven. Love you with all my heart.

Brussels, 26 December 2010.

For those of you who are first time visitors, do not worry. Just read on and maybe read a few other pieces I wrote in the past, then you might understand us better. For the rest of you guys, this had something to do with our car, or as my loving husband prefers to call it, “first wife” (which is a bit strange considering this car is a male, its name is Jack Bauer. But I digress). You might know how much he loves cars in general, and in particular, our car.

This story starts with the fact that my brother has decided to move to Brussels to have constant access to good food *coughs* I mean.. to be as near as possible to his big sister. Now that he is here living with us instead of just visiting, he needs furniture – namely a wardrobe for his clothes and a computer desk for his “babies”.

We decided to go to the nearest IKEA and buy what he needed there. Luckily, IKEA was open last Sunday since it was the last Sunday before Christmas and we, being the smart and thrifty people that we are (code for cheapskate), decided to go there twice that day, so that we can save the money for the Taxi Van to get the stuff back home. Normally, we would have to spend 40 euros for the taxi van, but this way we will only spend maybe 3-4 euros on gas for the car, and we can fit everything in two trips. Genius, right???? *pointing at head while mouthing “UNAGI”*

My brother and I left for IKEA on Sunday at about 11 am. The roads were covered in snow and it was slippery. Luckily I am a superwoman, so me and my awesome superwomanly driving skills had no problem whatsoever driving in the snow except for a couple of slips and near-death experiences.

So we arrived at IKEA at 11.30 and we went straight in to eat some hotdogs (because food in IKEA is strangely good). While eating, I noticed the snow was starting to fall again, but it didn’t look so heavy so I wasn’t worried much. I then finished up my food and went in to buy our first batch. When we finished paying for it, I looked out the window and saw how the snow is falling much more heavily than before. We went to the car quickly and drove home to unload the stuff.

The first batch of the stuff were small items that all fit in the car perfectly, so I didn’t worry about anything other than driving in the heavy snow. (I know I am trying to appear aloof and cool in front of people, but really my hands were all sweaty because of the stress of driving in the snow, my pulse and heartbeat were racing because the roads are so slippery that I almost feared for my life. Almost.)

But then we got home safely and we finished unloading the stuff in a matter of minutes. After that I felt all smug and thought, “hell, that was nothing! If we leave quickly we should be able to go for the second load and be back before 5! I’m a genius, I will be saving 40 euros today AND will be at home relaxing before dinner!”

So against my better judgment, we went for the second batch, which were for the bigger items like the wardrobe (if you are familiar with IKEA items, you would know how long the pax wardrobe is and how heavy. That is what we were buying that day and we need to fit in my small peugeot 207), computer table and a pull out single bed for my guests.

When we finished buying the second batch and tried loading everything in the car, it was apparent that the car was shorter than the wardrobe. Luckily we already thought that something like this was gonna happen, so we brought some ropes and a pair of scissors so that we canfit everything from the dashboard all the way back to the trunk, and if the stuff sticks out from the trunk, we can just tie the trunk and that way we can still transport all these stuff with no problem.

We managed to finally fit everything in the car, put the stuff from the front passenger seat up to the dashboard and down to the trunk. Rama sat behind me and held the rope that tied the trunk cover to the car for extra protection. We felt so smart and invincible and we went on our way back home.

When we arrived, I called Mr. Husband to come down and help us with the stuff. He went downstairs with a grumpy look on his face and helped us anyway. Once we got all the stuff out of the car I noticed something different with the car, there was a dent on the dashboard.

THERE WAS A FRIGGIN’DENT ON THE DASHBOARD. Fuck fuck fuck FUCCKKKKK!!!! I AM SO DEAD!!! SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!

I stood there staring at the dashboard while Mr. Husband already went inside. I went numb for a second and then I trembled and even contemplated on taking my own life. I was paralyzed, I couldn’t think, couldn’t move and I CERTAINLY couldn’t tell him about it. But then I thought that he didn’t have anything to do on Monday and Tuesday, so I might still be able to hide it from him and prolong my life even if it was only for a couple of days.

I went in the apartment slowly, with heavy steps and a worried look on my face. Mr. Husband asked me what was wrong with me. I told him I had stomachache. The rest of the evening I was quiet and planned to write a will the next day and get all my affairs in order.

Monday morning I went to the office early because my boss and I had a meeting with some people from the Okura Hotel in Amsterdam. On the way to the meeting I told my boss that if they did not see me the day after that, it meant that I have probably been murdered by my loving husband. They asked me why and when I told them the story, they just laughed. Strange how they think it’s a joke when it is actually something very grave.

When I arrived home that evening, Mr. Husband said he might go with me on Tuesday morning to the hospital because his hands hurt real bad. I think I saw a glimpse of opportunity to redeem myself, so I took the initiative to massage his hands while cuddling with him on the sofa. He was happy that I took good care of his hands, and I was less stressed out for the night.

Tuesday morning I woke up depressed. I softly spoke in Mr. Husband’s ear, asking him if he still wanted to come along with me and go to the hospital. He said he was too tired and he wanted to sleep in. I felt relieved, went to get ready and left for the office.

People at the office was surprised to see me, they thought I was probably already killed and mutilated by then. But I told them I still managed to buy some time and I asked everybody to pray for me.

At around 11, my friend Dessy called and asked us over for dinner and drinks. I told her to call up Mr. Husband herself so that he wouldn’t be able to say no. So she did and as I suspected Mr. Husband said yes, called and told me he was going there alone by metro and I can just meet him there.

And right at that moment I had the greatest idea ever! *lighbulbs shining above head*

I thought that I will ask Dessy and her husband to make Mr. Husband so drunk that he will not notice the dent in the dashboard on our way back home that evening. Genius, right?

I arrived at Dessy’s at 6 and Mr. Husband was already there drinking tea. I told Dessy to bring out the wine, and I poured a glass for Mr. Husband. I kept on pouring, and pouring and pouring wine for him until the end of the evening at 10.30 I could see that he was a bit tipsy and sleepy. I thought to myself, “Good, this way I can drive”, Rama can sit up front with me and Mr. Husband can sit in the rear so he won’t be able to clearly see the dent yet.

We got home at 11pm and he still didn’t notice anything wrong with the car. But I was exhausted from all this lying and manipulating, and I don’t think I can do anymore, I mean Mr. Husband will drive the bloody car again sooner or later so there is no point in my trying to avoid having him in the car, so I might as well come clean.

That night in bed, he was hugging me and was trying to kiss me but I turned away each time while letting out a heavy sigh. He finally asked me what was wrong. And me, with the saddest face and voice that I could possibly muster said, “Honey, you say you love me now, you want to hug and kiss me now, but come tomorrow, you will kill me with your bare hands..”

He said, “Why? Of course not sayang, I will not kill you.. come on, tell me what’s wrong.”

“No, I want to still be able to sleep for one more night in our warm and comfortable bed, for tomorrow will be the end of me, especially when you see what stupid thing I have done.” The dramatic queen in me said with a very sad voice and with eyes starting to swell up tears.

I can see he was starting to be concerned, and kept on asking me what was wrong. So I finally managed to gather up enough courage and told him.

“Honey, I am soooooooooo sorry.. I didn’t do it on purpose.. I made a dent on Jack Bauer’s dashboard on Sunday. I just realised this morning (a lie) and I didn’t want to tell you right away because I was so scared that you will be mega angry at me, please forgive me.. ” (now with real tears rolling down my cheeks while sniffling like a little girl and snuggling up to him like a cat trying to find warmth in a cold winter night *drama queen and drama script writer mode on*)

He went all silent. I can feel that he actually wanted to pull his arms away from me, but he kept still, without a word. I was still crying and I hugged him even more, begging him to forgive me. Finally after about 5 minutes I think he actually felt sorry for me. When I asked him again not to be angry at me, he said he can’t promise me anything, he must wait and see first how big the damage that I caused was then he would be able to determine how he feels.

Then I was really worried. But after about a minute I felt him hugging me again, this time tighter, and I felt him giving the back of my neck a kiss. I let out a BIG sigh of relief and softly said, “I love you honey..” Then I heard him say, “I love you too, now go to sleep, it’s late and we need to wake up early tomorrow morning.”

Finally, after three long restless and depressing nights and days, I can sleep well again knowing that he knows I “hurt” his precious car yet my life is spared. Mr. Husband did not murder me. He still loves me. Somewhat…